I only became an Adult so I could Drink Liquor and Say Cuss Words

Today I went to check the mail and there were like 6 bills..electricity, cell phone, internet, car payment, auto insurance, and tuition...Somebody press STOP...Cuz this aint the shit I signed up for.

When I was a little girl, I always dreamt of the day I would be an adult. Being an adult would mean I could eat Now n Laters for breakfast, drink brown liquor, and most importantly cuss as loud as I wanted to. This bills and responisbilities shit was NOT a part of the plan..I've been bamboozled.

I became an adult to have Sex...not Kids..Somebody snuck all this other shit in when I wasn't watching.

I always dreamt of the day when I'd be able to say "this is some bullshit" without being popped in the mouth by an adult. Now, I got more bills than money, more flab than abs, more gut than butt..but I can't even whisper "This is some bullshit" without my goddamn nosey ass kids repeating the shit..Then I'd have to give them the pop in the mouth that I skillfully avoided for more than 20 years...aint this a fat, ironic sumbitch?

So wait...I've already spent my foxy shoe money on bills...you mean I gotta spend my weed money on field trips? This aint a life! It sounds more like a goddamn robbery. I coulda stayed 7 if I knew shit was gon' be like this.

Then you got these dummies that are like " I couldn't imagine my life without my kids"...Well I can imagine it asshole, and lemme tell you, it looks pretty fuckin fun..Extra money, free time, taut skin, and no goddamn c-section scars. Sounds like a friggn blast to me.

When I was a kid, I thought  being an adult would mean I'd always be Happy...I didn't know it meant I'd always be buying Happy Meals, watching Happy Feet, and spending two damn paychecks to sing Happy Birthday next to a giant rat.

I went from  singing Wipe Me Down" to wiping ass...From smelling like Gucci to smelling the faint odor of baby shit everywhere I go..Oh how the mighty have fallen.

In hindsight, being an adult isn't all its cracked up to be. Sure, I woulda loved to attend the "Watch the Throne" concert, but that woulda meant eating pinto beans and vienna sausages in the dark for two months. While that seems like an adventure to most, Children's Services frowns upon it. Sure, I want leather pants and an iPhone 4s, but that would mean my kids would have to get degrees from Everest.

If I could say anything to my 7 year old self, I'd say "hey! don't rush to grow up. Being a grown up is not the shit...it's wack, boring, and expensive...you don't get to say the "F" word as much as you think and R. Kelly won't want to pee on you. Stay exactly where you are, and enjoy being a child."