Memoirs of an Ignorant Mama

Just cuz you're the Wii boxing champ don't mean you can whip my ass..As a matter of fact, turn that game off before you burn up my damn TV wires..You already got my light bill sky high.

I'm not reading a  book to raise my children..I'm old school. Ima love 'em with all my heart..but dammit, I'll whoop ass with all my strength, cuz I aint raising no strippers or hooligans.

All this time out and therapy business? Hell no! If somebody woulda been handin out ass whoopins 15 years ago, we would'nt have shows like Intervention, Teen Mom, or that damn Celebrity Rehab. Every time my girls think about smoking crack, they can imagine hearing the faint crack of my belt as it sails towards their lil asses! I D.A.R.E them to try that shit 'round me. But naw, we got young ass kids believing they can act out and do drugs because they're stressed..Stressed? bout what? The only life experiences they've had is eating and takin a shit..but life is so hard that they gotta sniff paint. Bullshit

The problem is a lot of simple ass parents have given their kids the upper hand. Allowing children to throw tantrums and be disrespectful. NOT ME! Now, I aint gon whoop 'em in Macy's where white folks can see, and call the police...but I'll whoop the skin of their lil asses in Payless.

Parents are too busy being their kids friends these days! I aint never breastfed none of my friends, so miss me with the bullshit. Parents need to stay outta club and stay knee deep in these kids asses. So busy tryna be cool and down, by the time your cool ass turns around, your gat damn 10 year old is hooked on reefer and drinkin up all your brown liquor.  Not in my house! The Devil is a Liar!

Note to Parents: Put down the books, pick up the belt.

I only became an Adult so I could Drink Liquor and Say Cuss Words

Today I went to check the mail and there were like 6 bills..electricity, cell phone, internet, car payment, auto insurance, and tuition...Somebody press STOP...Cuz this aint the shit I signed up for.

When I was a little girl, I always dreamt of the day I would be an adult. Being an adult would mean I could eat Now n Laters for breakfast, drink brown liquor, and most importantly cuss as loud as I wanted to. This bills and responisbilities shit was NOT a part of the plan..I've been bamboozled.

I became an adult to have Sex...not Kids..Somebody snuck all this other shit in when I wasn't watching.

I always dreamt of the day when I'd be able to say "this is some bullshit" without being popped in the mouth by an adult. Now, I got more bills than money, more flab than abs, more gut than butt..but I can't even whisper "This is some bullshit" without my goddamn nosey ass kids repeating the shit..Then I'd have to give them the pop in the mouth that I skillfully avoided for more than 20 years...aint this a fat, ironic sumbitch?

So wait...I've already spent my foxy shoe money on bills...you mean I gotta spend my weed money on field trips? This aint a life! It sounds more like a goddamn robbery. I coulda stayed 7 if I knew shit was gon' be like this.

Then you got these dummies that are like " I couldn't imagine my life without my kids"...Well I can imagine it asshole, and lemme tell you, it looks pretty fuckin fun..Extra money, free time, taut skin, and no goddamn c-section scars. Sounds like a friggn blast to me.

When I was a kid, I thought  being an adult would mean I'd always be Happy...I didn't know it meant I'd always be buying Happy Meals, watching Happy Feet, and spending two damn paychecks to sing Happy Birthday next to a giant rat.

I went from  singing Wipe Me Down" to wiping ass...From smelling like Gucci to smelling the faint odor of baby shit everywhere I go..Oh how the mighty have fallen.

In hindsight, being an adult isn't all its cracked up to be. Sure, I woulda loved to attend the "Watch the Throne" concert, but that woulda meant eating pinto beans and vienna sausages in the dark for two months. While that seems like an adventure to most, Children's Services frowns upon it. Sure, I want leather pants and an iPhone 4s, but that would mean my kids would have to get degrees from Everest.

If I could say anything to my 7 year old self, I'd say "hey! don't rush to grow up. Being a grown up is not the shit...it's wack, boring, and expensive...you don't get to say the "F" word as much as you think and R. Kelly won't want to pee on you. Stay exactly where you are, and enjoy being a child."

We wouldn't be having this conversation if I was a crackhead

Damn! I gotta pay bills, take care of my kids, be a punctual and productive employee, and be a good citizen on a consistent basis? However, if I was a crackhead, yall would throw a damn party for me if I didn't steal yo shit..

But because I choose to work hard, do right, and love Jesus...I gotta  do all this extra work, with no appreciation..I shoulda been a damn crackhead...Then yall would be satisfied if I wasn't shitting myself for a nickel rock on youtube.

Its funny that the more you do, the more folks expect..Help is only for the weak, the reward for being strong is more work. Cuz I'm pretty sure that if I was crack whoring and sucking d*cks for McChickens, yall would be offering to babysit, clean my house, and pay this high ass light bill.

But since I ain't sellin flat screens for $3, or ass for $2. I guess I can handle my shit.....and yours

I'm too damn Drunk to call you a Pothead

Now listen here, I know I may not be the best person in the world, but at least I ain't doin the sick shit you doin. In fact, I'm hoping that I can slide into Heaven unnoticed because God will be so busy dealing with your trifiling ass.

I ain't perfect..but I'm damn sure better than you. I may have stolen, but I never stole nobody's husband...

You're lucky I'm too busy fornicating to call you a slut.. Kindly remind me to call you one as soon as I dedicate my life to Christ (Again)...Cuz YOU need to change your ways! I may have killed a few bottles of Ciroc, but dammit, I never killed a human! I've had children out of wedlock, lied, cheated, re-nigged in plenty spades games, but as long as I ain't Gay, my God will forgive me!